Emotional abuse involves controlling another person criticizing, embarrassing, shaming, blaming, or otherwise verbally manipulating them. While most common in dating and married relationships, emotional abuse can also occur with friends, and co-workers. A relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health. The underlying goal of emotional abuse is to control the other person by discrediting, isolating, and silencing them. It can be one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize as it can be subtle and covert.

Emotional abuse chips away at your self-esteem. It makes you begin to doubt your perceptions and beliefs. Emotionally abused people typically want to leave the relationship, but feel too afraid or insecure to do so. This the abuser cycle repeats itself until something is done.

If you feel like you are being manipulated, try to trust that feeling. Many times, manipulators can make us question our own reality. Try to harness how you're feeling; do this by keeping a journal (if you can) to express your own feelings. Talking to others about what you are experiencing can help you see the manipulation and inappropriateness of the following communication styles.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic in which a person, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their own reality or sanity. Gaslighting only works when a victim isn't aware of what's going on. Once you become alert to the pattern, it will be easier to combat.

Someone trying to gaslight you may:

• Tell blatant lies (to/about you, to/about others) deny they ever said or did something, even though you have proof

• Make you question or be confused by your own reality

• Use what is important to you as ammunition

• Throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you

• Project their own shortcomings or insecurities onto you

• Try to get people to turn against you

• Tell you or other people that you are crazy

• Make you feel that everyone else is a liar

Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a dysfunctional form of manipulation that people use to place demands and threaten victims to get what they want. The undertone of emotional blackmail is if you don't do what I want when I want it, you will suffer. The emotional blackmailer typically does not have any other coping or go-to methods for how to communicate and interact in a healthy manner. They fall back to stonewalling, slamming doors, threatening, and engaging in other damaging behaviors to get what they want. They typically do not have the tools available to understand how to convey their needs.

Some examples:

• "If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself."

• "I've already discussed this with our (pastor, therapist, friends, family) and they agree that you are being unreasonable

• "I'm taking this vacation - with or without you."

• "How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?"

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic that happens when someone overwhelms you with affection, adoration, gifts, and love in order to gain control of your behaviors.

Someone trying to love bomb you may:

• Lavish you with gifts (in order to make you feel that you owe them something.)

• Give you overwhelming praise and adoration (phrases such as "you're the only person I want to spend time with", "I love everything about you", and "I've never met anyone like you”

• Want to be in constant communication with you.

• They get upset when you implement boundaries.

Negging

Negging is when a person tries to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself.

Negging happens in a few different ways:

• They give backhanded compliments: "Well, don't you look fabulous? I would never be brave enough to wear my hair like that with your face shape."

• They compare you to other people: "Your sister is in such great shape. You should take a cue from her and start working out."

• They're always "just joking" when you call them on it: "Lighten up! Where's your sense of humor?"

• They insult you under the guise of "constructive criticism": "That report was terrible, but the subject is completely over your head after all."

• They disguise insults as questions: "Don't take this the wrong way, but are you really going to eat all that by yourself?"

• They make you feel sorry for voicing concerns by minimizing

Recommendations

Assessments recommended: DES: Dissociation Experience Scale, ACE: Adverse Childhood Experiences, Sociotropy Autonomy Scale, BDI II: Becks Depression Inventory II,

Counselors recommended: Sarah Merritt, Eliana Valentin, & Carrie Eggart